


B-Train (dear mikey)

by malumqt (snowboy)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, I guess???, M/M, but i finally made part two, character death is in this, confirmed is le second part, i almost cried while writing this soooo, idk - Freeform, idk I'M SORRY FOR WRITING SAD THING, idk if I will tho, implied in the first part, it's har to tag when you don't know what you wrote or why you decided to write it, just saying, luke and ashton are mentioned - Freeform, part two is sad too, ummmmm idk what to tag, unless I end up posting the alternate ending I had
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-04-08 06:49:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4294806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowboy/pseuds/malumqt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum writes a letter to Michael and trains are involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY JUST IN CASE, CANCER IS MENTIONED IN THIS SOO BEWARE OF THAT. 
> 
> continue on now

_So uh, Hi Michael. I'm the train boy from the b-train? I realize this is really weird and honestly I might put a damper on your day, but I don't know. I feel like you should know what happened to me._

_If Ashton has delivered this then I should actually be dead or like on the verge of dying with no hope of seeing you again even I got Ashton to drag your cute ass to the hospital. Besides, I think I like you remembering me more as cute train boy than cute boy dying of cancer._

_Remember when we first met on the train? I had just gotten on and the only seat available was next to you. I sat down and it was silent for a while before I head this really soft "hot damn, he's cute." I looked at you and your cheeks were the same colour as your hair. A nice soft pink. You started stuttering out apologies and when I giggled you frowned and complained that I was unfair because I was so adorable. But really, I think it was you who was adorable._

_You were adorable with your pink hair and sweater and when I commented on them you went on about how it's unfair that boys can't wear the colour pink cause "it's fucking colour and colours don't have gender. Whoever decieded that is a frick fracking idiot and if I want to wear pink then damnit, I will."_

_You were so adorable, yet outspoken. It was amazing. I remembering going to my doctor's appointment that day and them saying that I had to go through chemo to try and stop the spreading, I didn't mind too much, cause while it was terrible I looked at a silver lining that I might get to see you more._

_And then I did. I saw you that night on my trip back. You talked about how you worked in a music store with your best friend Luke and that you had four different people come in and ask if you a Luke were a couple and that it sent you both into uncontrollable laughter because you would never date. Then you had to make the comment that cute boys with brown eyes were more your type. And then you looked so proud of yourself that you sent me into a blushing mess and pinched my cheeks saying that I was cute._

_We talked for my entire ride back home and it was one of the best days of my life, because it was the first time I met you._

_I also remember the second time I met you. I was going to the doctors to start my chemo and when I hopped on the train you smiled and waved at me. I came over to sit and you just introduced yourself as Michael. You never asked my name, but you did say that I didn't have tell you since we still kinda were strangers and not everyone is as okay with sharing their name._

_I almost did tell you my name and I don't know what stopped me. But I never did and honestly, I kinda regret that. I'd like to say I lived my life with no regrets, but I did. You would've made my name sound so nice. But then every time you saw me after that you gave me a different nickname. Sometimes it would cutie, babe, pal....fruit loop. I still don't understand why fruit loop, but I kinda liked it. Bun butt, I'm still not too fond of, but you looked so proud of that and I didn't have it in me to tell you that I didn't like it. But then it grew on me and now I actually kinda like it, but only you could call me that. No one else, only you._

_Also there was that time when I actually didn't recognize you since your hair was blond and you were playing games on your phone. You know, I was actually sad when I thought you weren't on the train. But I guess fate had it in for us cause once again the only available seat was next to you. And I was so confused when this blond dude sitting next to me said "hey bun butt." It was the weirdest thing and then I realize it was you. I gave you this big hug and you giggled and accepted the hug, not asking any questions. I guess if you did have questions about that hug you have your answer._

_But you know I'm happy that happened. It's what started our hug greeting. From then on we always greeted each other with hugs and your hugs made me so happy. They were so warm and cuddly, made me feel safe and like nothing the world could do would knock me down._

_We had hugs and then that friendship handshake you insisted on making that we spent two weeks trying to make. (I still think we should've added a butterfly to repesnt you)_

_Oh and then there was that day were we met in a record shop and I was looking for an All Time Low vinyl. You hugged me from behind and I yelped before I recognized your giggles. We went out for lunch after that and you ate almost an entire pizza to yourself while I had salad and maybe two slices of pizza. And then neither of us wanted to go and you still somehow had room for more food ao we went for frozen yogurt and talked about bands.  
You were so right too, Twenty One Pilots is a really great band. _

_I'm actually listening to them now. You said Stressed Out was your favourite song yeah? Well that's what's playing now._

_That's another regret I have. You wanted to hear me sing and you will, I promise. I just won't be alive to did for you. The day you said that and I said maybe some other time and you made me promise, I got Ashton to record me sing for you. If I remember right I was incredibly cheesy and sung All About You by Mcfly. But Ashton can show you the entire video, I spent twenty minutes singing songs, before I decided what one I wanted you to actually see incase something like this happened._

_I didn't realize it until then when Ashton asked me if I loved you....and I realized that yeah, I did love you. Or I was damn close to loving you and by now I do love you._

_Yeah that's right, Michael Gordon Clifford, I love you._

_I love everything about you. Your blue hair, your laugh, your hugs, your sweetness, your love for pizza, your obsession with video games, your tattoos, your funny stories of things you and Luke did, everything. I love absolutely everything about you and I honestly wish you the best in life. I hope you find some really cute boy or girl that loves you as much as I do because you deserve all the love in the world and more._

_You could even ask Ashton, he knew how much I loved you. He constantly teased me about it. Saying I should man up and kiss you, but I didn't think I could. It's really selfish, but I didn't want to put myself through the pain of knowing I was going to leave you soon. Ashton didn't know the chemo was failing. No one besides me knew the chemo was failing and that's what I wanted. I wanted to be treated like a normal person for as long as I could._

_Now I'm in the hospital and they think I have two weeks to live at best. Which is why I'm writing this all now. I know I could have Ashton go find you and bring you here, but then I'll be in tears and you'll be tears and I don't want to be remembered like that._

_I want to be remembered as Calum, the unfairly cute train boy that you met on a train, called random nicknames because you didn't know my name, hugged, spent two weeks making a hand shake. I want to be remember for me, not that I was a boy with cancer. So please, Mikey, remember me as me. Not as a cancer boy. And please remember that I love you. So much. I felt more alive and happy when I was with you and thank you for that. Even if you didn't know what impact you had on me, this was it._

_Please have a great life, filled with love and happiness.  
And maybe don't forget me? _

_Love,  
Calum T. Hood :) ___


	2. Room 231

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 2 of b-train. michael get's calum's letter early and goes to visit him

It was weird for Michael. He had gotten so used to seeing the dark haired boy he had fondly named BunButt, but now the boy had stopped appearing. He hoped nothing bad, the boy was really quite amazing and Michael wished only the best for him.

Although he should've know something was up when the tangled dirty blond haired boy with hazel eyes sat next to him and watched him curiously for a couple seconds. 

Michael subtly eyed the boy warily. For once there were multiple open seats on the train and Michael never fully trusted anyone who sat next to a stranger rather than an open seat. 

"Um, hey." The boy mumbled. "Are you Michael?" That was the last thing he expected to hear from the stranger. Michael tried to rack his brain for an memory of how this boy could know him, but he couldn't think of anything.

"Yeah, who are you?" 

"Ashton. Here, read this." The boy - Ashton handed him an envelope and Michael made no move to take it. 

"I don't trust you. That could have anthrax in it. I watch cop shows." 

"It's not - It's from - ugh." Ashton slumped down in his seat and cast a size glance at Michael. "I refuse to say that name, but he also made me promise to let you hear his actual name from him." Ashton mumbled dropping his head into his hands as he slightly shook. It was a couple minutes until the boy looked back up. Michael could see his eyes were a bit red from crying, but what did that have to do with Michael and this letter? 

"The letter - It's from your train friend. Fruit loop, babe, pal, whatever else you call him."

"BunButt?" 

"Yes."

Michael took the letter and carefully opened it. He still didn't quite trust this Ashton, but if his train friend who he so fondly named BunButt was involved, he would open the letter. 

Reading over the letter slowly, tears started springing up in Michael's eye. BunButt- Calum was dying? How did Michael bot notice this? Last time he saw Cal, the boy looked fine. A bit skinny, but fine. 

Looking between the letter and Ashton, a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head that holy shit, is Bunbutt dead now?

"I-Is C-C-Calum..." Michael couldn't even finish his sentence, but Ashton seemed to know where he was getting at. The boy shook his head, soft brown curls falling over his face. Even Ashton looked like he was about to cry. 

"I went against Calum's orders. He wrote that yesterday and I only found out the day before that he was-" Ashton choked out a sob and Michael quickly wrapped his arms around the sad boy. "He seemed to be doing so well, I don't- This shouldn't be happening! Why him? Why not some asshole? Calum doesn't deserve this shit." 

Michael whimpered, he didn't say anything but he nuzzled his face into Ashton's shoulder. To anyone finding the two boys, they would think it's an odd sight. One with lilac hair holding onto the other who was crying. 

"Even though Calum doesn't want it, I think you should visit him. He told me last night that he really did want to see you again, but I think he's trying to limit any pain he'll cause. Goddammit, he's always like that. Looking after others more than himself." 

Ashton looked like he just needed to get everything out of his system and Michael just clung onto him like a koala, trying to provide comfort. He knew how hard it was to lose someone, and Ashton seemed to be in the anger stage of grief while Michael was still in denial and disbelief. 

"This is his stop." Michael mumbled as the the train was entering the station Calum always got off at. Michael had always been curious why this stop and why Calum was only on the train two times a week while Michael was every weekday, well now he knew.  
Ashton had looked up and wiped his eyes with his shirt. 

"Did you want to visit Calum?" The boy asked so which Michael quickly nodded. 

Calum's note said he had one regret and that was not hearing Michael say his name. So Michael intended to fix that and he couldn't let Calum die without the boy knowing that he loved him back.

Over the weeks of their train rides together, Michael had completely fallen in love with the tanned boy. His black hair that looked so fluffy and just made Michael want to run his hands through it. The boy's sarcastic comebacks for all the weird shit Michael said that he had done. Everything, absolutely everything. There was so much to the cute train boy and Ashton was right, he didn't deserve any of this. Calum was one of the nicest people Michael had ever met.

The lilac haired boy was deep in thoughts about Calum as he mutely followed Ashton to the hospital. In a way to both Michael and Ashton, hospitals all seemed the same. Sure the layout may be different and the colors, but it was the same tile flooring and general feel to a hospital. 

Pretty soon, Michael found himself outside Calum's door. BunButr was right in that room, and Michael suddenly wanted to run away, deny that all of this was happening and that tomorrow everything would be fine. He'd be on a train for ten minutes until some cute boy that he doesn't know the name of so he makes dumb nicknames comes sitting down next to him and starts asking how he's been. 

Shit, how Michael wished this was all a dream.

Never the less, Michael slowly walked into the room. He could hear Calum's voice, a little hoarse, but Calum's.

Finally Michael was in view of Calum and Calum was in view of Michael. The boy on the bed gasped and he sadly smiled at Michael.

"Hey BunButt." Michael sadly smiled back. Ashton mumbled that he was going to go get some food from the cafeteria.

Calum suddenly moved over in his bed and gently patted the space he had made. "C'mere." The boy held out his arms and Michael numbly walked over to them and melted into Calum's touch. 

That's when the dam broke and Michael was quietly crying into Calum's hospital gown. "I love you Calum. I love you so so so much. I wish this wasn't happening to you. Fuck, if I could change it I would but I can't  and now I'm gonna lose you?" Michael cried and Calum gently ran his fingers through Michael's hair.

"I love you too." Calum mumbled as Michael's sobs just turned into sniffles. 

The two just stayed cuddling for a a couple hours. Ashton came back and a small smile had tugged on the corner of his mouth as he watched the two. 

"Um, hey. I'm going to go out for actual food, either of you want anything?" Ashton was going to leave the two lovebirds alone. He knew when he decided to give the letter to Michael even after Calum said don't do it until after he's dead that this was going to happen. 

"It's not- it's not food related, but could you stop by the music store downtown and let Luke know what's going on?" Michael mumbled and Ashton nodded before leaving the room. Once again making Michael and Calum the only two.

-

Michael was at the hospital everyday after that. He would just stay there and cuddle Calum. Sometimes the two of them would talk, sometimes they would just cuddle and watch shitty reality tv and the small tv in the hospital room. 

But either way Michael was still hoping this was all a big messed up prank. He desperately wanted it to be a prank, he would give anything for that to be the case. But it wasn't. Calum just seemed to be getting worse as the days went by. Sometimes he had good days and Michael was hopeful that maybe, just maybe Calum was getting better. Only for the next day Calum would be worse than before.

Every night Michael was scared to leave the hospital in case he got a call in the middle of the night from Ashton saying a simple four letter word that Michael didn't want to hear. 

But still, Michael would leave when visiting hours closed and come back when they began.

"How come your hair hasn't fallen out?" Michael asked, cuddling Calum on one of his good days where he looked just like the Calum he met all those months ago on a train. 

"It's thinned, but the chemo hasn't really made my hair fall out. Do you want to know the science behind it?" Michael nodded, he loved hearing Calum's voice. Maybe he wasn't paying attention to the words, but he just wanted to enjoy the boy's soft voice while he could.

One of the things Michael could never understand is how okay Calum was about all this. Like he has accepted that he's going to die. Michael was still denying that this was even happening. 

Although Michael couldn't deny it forever. 

One night, Michael was just staying up staring at his wall. He couldn't sleep, something was keeping him up and he was worried. 

Then his phone started ringing and Michael almost burst into tears right then. He shakily picked up his phone and notice it was Ashton's number. He didn't even need to say hello as Ashton blubbered out that Calum had died. 

As the phone just slipped out of Michael's hand, the denial went away. It had happened. Calum....Calum wasn't around anymore. He was gone. Michael dropped his face into his hands and cried. Completely forgetting about his phone and Ashton on the other end. 

Michael couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't know how long he cried. He didn't know if he slept. He just felt so numb inside. All he could think is that Calum is gone.

-

At the funeral Michael was asked to go up there and talk. He really didn't think he was the one to go up there, but he did. He wanted to do it for Calum.

"Um, hi. I'm Michael. I guess you could say I am- I was Calum's boyfriend. We never put a label on what we were, but I loved him and he loved me back." Michael sniffled as he thought of the boy. "There's so much I could say about Calum and so much that I want to say, but I wouldn't get through it all. I-I don't know why Calum had to go, but I do know that he was so loved down here. He was the sweetest and kindest person I ever met, he was so concerned about limiting the sadness of people he cared about. Although he had the greatest comebacks. I would say or do something completely dumb and he would always have a sarcastic comment waiting for me after I finished my story or he actually witnessed it. I just- I loved him so so much. He was honestly one of the greatest people I have ever met. Actually no, he was the greatest person I've ever met. And I never really believed in heaven until now, but it needs to be real and Calum needs to be there because he deserves more than anyone I know. And I promise with all of my heart, Calum T. Hood if you are up in heaven and listening to me, I promise that I will never ever forget you as long as I live and that you'll never be some boy with cancer. You'll be my favorite person, my soulmate, my love, my cute train boy, my everything. You-" Michael stopped as he had to regain he composer to finish talking. "You were so much more than what you had, you were amazing and I don't think anyone will ever forget you. Love, Michael G. Clifford."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, okay. i actually was fully intending to go a fluffier route with this. but ayyy i continued with michael's reaction to this. tho i totally have two alternate endings if anyone is interested. (one is fluffy and the other one sad)
> 
> also at my tumblr is malumqt. feel free to talk to me if you want. I will send you pictures of happy sloths as an apology for this fic if you want.

**Author's Note:**

> soooo uh hi. really tho, idk why i decided to write it. it just like popped into my head and i was like why not, i will write thing. but i diDN'T REALIZE IT WOULD BE SAD LIKE I ALMOST CRIED WHILE WRITING IT.
> 
> if anyone wants hugs or something after this i send you hugs. 
> 
> and my tumblr is lillukeypoo if you wanna yell at me for writing this or something idk


End file.
